A place to escape...

I was suddenly engulfed by a wave of emptiness; that familiar sinking feeling.
I feel disconnected from it all, like I somehow don't belong now, and I can't help but resort to that age-old technique of drowning my sorrows into an already tear-stained pillow. I have too much to lose now, but it all seems to be slipping from my grasp.

Let's reconnect, let's escape, let's do something.
Because I sure as hell need it.

xxx

My house now has a sold sticker on it. We have to be out sometime around my 18th party on the 18th April. As far as I know, I will be living with my Nan in Rokeby, unless another offer comes up.

So 6 weeks from now I will never again live with my family, as I am staying down here on my own next year. Speaking of which, if anyone wants to rent a place with me next year, you have 8 months to let me know.

xxx

Oh. My God.
Falls was AMAZING!
I'm too lazy to write proper sentences, in full paragraphs, so I'll just make a list of the awesome things. It's much easier that way.

- The Stoics. I was front row. They were SOOOOO good live. I bought their EP.
- Josh Thomas. I was extremely happy when I heard he was performing. His routine didn't disappoint; he was fantastic. One of my fave comedians.
- Architecture In Helsinki mosh pit. My first proper mosh. It was intense.
- Standing at the front of the mosh pit for 6hrs just to be front row for Franz Ferdinand and Faker. Now although this performance does not come anywhere NEAR to Meils' 12 or so hours at the front of the mosh on the first day, it doesn't matter. It was worth the long wait just to be front row. Especially for Faker.
- Grafton Primary. This was into the 2nd hour of my 6hr wait for the front row at Faker. I'd never heard their music before, and they were fantastic. I'm definitely a fan now. I hi-fived the very feminine-looking, charismatic lead singer, woohoo :D
- Front row at Faker. Waiting 6hrs at the front of the mosh pit just to be front row for these guys was TOTALLY worth it. Nathan, the lead singer, was extremely energetic and entertaining. He was right in front of me a lot. Their closing song, This Heart Attack, went off. I loved it. And they played one of my fave songs, Sleepwalking.
- Penguin Man. Drunk man in a penguin suit. Enough said.
- Security guard #42. Everyone thought he was hot, I didn't. But hearing everyone chant his name just so he'd come out was pretty funny.
- Keyboardist for Lincoln Le Fevre. He was skinny. We were scared he would blow away.
- The story from the parade guys. Two guys wearing costumes from the parade said, "We were pulled into this parade tent and given costumes to wear. But when they turned right to go to the stage, we turned left to go drink beer." They were rather wasted, and their story was very funny. If you had have heard it word-for-word, the way they said it, you'd understand.
- The Hives. They were AMAZING. The lead singer really knew how to entertain, and the Falls people definitely made the right choice by sticking these guys on for the New Years Eve countdown and performance. Sooooo good.
- Being front row for 16 of the 19 bands I saw. Front row = Totally worth it.
- 7hrs to get out. Alex, El, Peattie, Cole and myself were in line 7hrs just to get out after Falls. We moved three metres in 6hrs. All this was because the Tasmanian Police Force decided to breath test EVERY. SINGLE. CAR. A great idea in theory, but with 1600 cars, it was a shit decision. People got very restless- there were many signs being held up, and lots of horn blowing. Alex's little comics to keep us entertained while we waited were quite funny.

There are probably more things I've forgotten, so I'll just add them as I remember them. All my 227 photos are on Facebook, and my videos from Franz Ferdinand (Do You Wanna, Take Me Out), Tegan And Sara (Walking With A Ghost), and Faker (Hurricane, Sleepwalking, This Heart Attack) will be uploaded there shortly.

My top 5 bands, starting with the best, for best live performance and entertaining abilities:
1. The Hives
2. TZU
3. Faker
4. Cut Off Your Hands
5. The Stoics -or- Grafton Primary

xxx

Title courtesy of Scrubs, because, as is common knowledge, that show is filled with masses of awesomeness.


I have decided to keep a hand-written journal.
Last night I was filled a sudden urge to create a collection of thoughts, feelings, fears, poetry, etc. I want to keep everything like that in the one place, where no-one else can see, and it will be something that I can maintain regularly and look back on at some point in the future. Kind of like this, I guess, but more personal and written in more frequently. It won't be a "Dear diary, today I..." type journal, because let's face it- if I did that every single day with the boring lifestyle I have, it would get extremely repetitive and old in a short space of time. Besides, I have been neglecting this journal and most forms of writing for a while, aside from the occasional poem in my sketch book, and it's about time I take it up again.

Uhh...What else is there I can write here?
Oh yeah:

- Falls.
Apparently the weather isn't looking too good there for next week, and there is an army of hairy caterpillars marching their furry little selves towards the festival site. Sounds like we could be in for one heck of an adventure next week. Who's excited? I know I am.

- Christmas
Christmas was rather fun. Family breakfast, Jon And Kate Plus 8 marathon on TV, then I spent the night at Alex's house. He bought me a bunch of my favourite flowers and wrote me a love letter. I'm dating Monsieur Romantique himself. And that night there was a family match of soccer- The Adults (consisting of Mama and Papa Hoysted, Alex, and two others) vs The Kids (consisting of myself, Alex's brother + sister, Matt, Julian and Eric). I have to say, that was the most fun I've had in a long time. And, it was my last Christmas in Tasmania. How sad.

I can't think of anything else to write here, so I shall end this by saying I hope you've all had amazing holidays so far, we will have to catch up or party together soon, stay safe, and I miss you all.

xxx

ENGLISH: 14.5 CA
Internal- 10 As || External- 5 Bs


FRENCH: 16.2 CA
Internal- 8 As , 2 Bs || External- 1 A, 3 Bs, 1 C


DRAMA: 10.4 CA
Internal- 3 A, 6 Bs, 1 Cs || External- 1 A, 1 B, 3 Cs


I'm extremely annoyed at English, because for a HA it's-
6 As, 7 Bs, 2 Cs internally ; 2 As, 2 Bs, 1 C externally,
and even though I got all As internally, I still have to have a CA because I got 5 Bs instead of 2 As and 3 Bs.
It's annoying that although I didn't get any Cs internally or externally, and I got no Bs internally, just because I didn't have 2 As externally, my mark is stuck at a CA. I can't get in touch with Mrs Graham to ask if there is anything I can do, because I don't have her number (and don't particullarly want it) and she doesn't check her school e-mail in the holidays.
And I'm annoyed at French because I missed out on a HA by 1 A.

Man, I cried a bit when I found out I got all CAs after sitting internally on a high EA, high HA and high CA (though I was expecting a CA for drama).

Anywho, that's my rant.

xxx

As I haven't written here in a while, I felt I owed an entry to my poor, rejected journal.
It won't be anything overly interesting, just a splurge of words.


I have wholeheartedly immersed myself into a relationship that fills my soul with the most intense feelings of passion, self-worth and love... and it's amazing. I cannot even begin to describe how positively Alex has affected my life, or how fantastic he is; there is just too much to put into words. He is such a beautiful, sweet-natured person, and these past fives months with him have done nothing but bring vibrancy and happiness into my life. Even the little things he does make me feel so meaningful and loved. For instance- I was feeling quite sad the other night, and he wrapped his arms around me and said, "You are the sweetest, most beautiful thing I have ever held in my hand".
This relationship is just so breath-taking, so soul-cleansing, and every day I am grateful to have him in my life. Every night I fall asleep safe in the knowledge that tomorrow morning I will be waking up still apart of the most perfect relationship I have ever witnessed.
Yes, there are many times when I worry that he will get bored of me; that he will lose interest; that he will find someone better; that he fall for one of his gorgeous female friends. Deep down I know that I genuinely have nothing to worry about- yet that doesn't stop me worrying. I am so desperate to keep a grasp of this beautiful love which I have, and I am so scared of losing it.

I love him with all my heart. I really, truely do.
Nothing in the world even comes close to what I feel for him.

xxx

"...they spoke of everything in the intense and overweight manner of teenagers and he found that she had many moods. There were times when she went cold and silent and he felt her distance from him so completely that it seemed impossible to reach her. Even when he held her it seemed to him there was a place in her heart he couldn't get to."- Snow Falling On Cedars (p.150)

Something about that struck a chord with me, and I couldn't help but feel that in comparison to this paragraph, I am very much like the girl being described.
I'm not in a writing mood, so this isn't going to be a very in-depth entry. It's more of a general observation than anything else.

xxx

I found my gr8 school diary today, and I was going through everything in it. My goodness, I'd forgot how much fun I used to have, and how carefree everyone used to be. Sadly, things can't always be so simple, and everyone has to grow up. One of the many downfalls of life, I guess.

Anywho, as I was searching through, I happened to find a song I wrote for gr8 music class about our 'lovely' principal. Maaaan, I was a 'tard back then.

( You Can Leave Your Wig On lyrics )


It's fun to reminisce and realise how crazily stupid and easily amused you use to be.

xxx

I wrote this to accompany a picture I recently sketched:

And when his arms were around me I lost myself in time; intoxicating myself with his scent and listening to his heartbeat countdown the minutes until the world ended. He said he would always be there, and I believed him. Hell, I would have believed anything at that moment; I would have followed him to the edge of the earth and not even questioned why. It was us against the universe; us against reality; us against ourselves. Nothing could hold us down and so we ran on until nothing was left. We sat there out of breath, looking out to the horizon and watched as the world died. And as eternity took us over, we lent in and felt life on our lips. We held on, never letting go, hoping that time would slow down for just an instant so that we could pull apart the pieces of our souls and reassemble them into what we were becoming. We knew our attempts were futile, but that didn't stop us. We were so naive and willing to believe anything we told ourselves. It was as if we were the only two people left on earth, as we stared deep into each others' eyes and lost ourselves once more. And as the sun set, taking with it everything surrounding us, we took a deep breath and let go...

xxx

After walking down the yellow brick road for a very long time now, I at last reached Emerald City to ask the Wizard to take me back to Kansas. Though, once I got there, I realised that I didn't want to go back to my previous life: I wanted to start afresh, make changes, move on and head in a new direction, and so I threw away the red slippers and left.
Knock on wood, but for now everything seems to be running like clockwork, and this well-oiled machine of life seems to be working in perfect order. There is not a single thing I can think of that at the moment is preventing me from moving forward; that is latching on with an iron grip and refusing to let go. I'm surrounded by an amazing bunch of people- family, friends, an amazing guy, and I can't help but feel extremely lucky at the moment to have such good things happening to me. For now I seem to be falling asleep and waking up with a smile on my face, because for now- I am happy.

And, after what seems like an eternity, there is one person I feel I should say something to: I know that lately we seem to have drifted apart and whether we can ever again be as close as we were last year is uncertain, but please know that I will always be here for you, no matter what large or petty things come between us. There is no way I can ever repay you for what you have done for me, so all I can do is do for you exactly what you did for me. Basically, I'm apologising for every single moment this year where I have put others ahead of you; for every single moment when I have been the annoying whiney little bitch I know I can be; and am letting you know that I will be here now, tomorrow, ten years down the track, to support you and help you through anything. This may not seem like much, and it may seem as though an apology is long over-due, so it is up to you whether you choose to accept this. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry and that I am here for you whenever you need me.
I hope this person knows I am talking to them.


I'm going to end this entry by saying I hope you all are having wonderful holidays, and that if something amazing hasn't come your way yet, then I hope it does soon.
=]

xxx

I got asked out today, by non-other than the person I have liked for the past few months. I honestly never expected him to even notice me, yet for some reason he did, and I'm extremely happy for it. He's funny and genuinely nice, and I could not be happier at the moment.

Let's see how things go, shall we?

xxx

Okay, so here's the low-down on what happened at the cast party last night:

We went Rob's place out at Grove, then Hosyted, Alex, Roland and I began playing the drinking game 'Centurian'.

Centurian:
Every minute for up to 100mins you take a shot of beer. The aim is to last up until 100 shots.

I lasted only 14 shots (surprise, surprise...), at which point I decided to stop as the yard was beginning to spin. After that I drank some vodka cruisers. At this point my memory begins to get hazy.
I remember sitting next to Hoysted, he and I sharing my jacket. I also remember Alice putting her blanket over mine and Hoystead's heads and telling us to kiss... which we did. He and I then started talking for a while, yet shortly after I threw up outside the house. I went to the bathroom and washed my mouth out, then I remember going back outside to the bonfire (where we'd all been sitting) and sitting back down next to Hoysted. We started talking and making out (apparently we alternated between those two things for a little while). I remember people making fun of us, and a weird discussion about how lovely my nose was. At about 12:30am we all went inside to go to bed, although we only got about 2hrs sleep, and woke up at 5:30am.

So basically- I got drunk really easily, vomited, and hooked-up with Alex Hoysted, the guy I like. Yay for me.

xxx

So this is what it's like?
Gentle words; hidden embraces; concealed touches of the hand; and silent-nothings whispered so that only the intended will hear?
This first stage - the 'honeymoon' stage - is amazing, and the smile I'm wearing is plastered on my face for the world to see. Nothing has felt this good to me in many many months, and my fingers are constantly crossed in the hope that it stays like this for a while longer.
Even simple things now seem amazing to me, and it's as if someone has come along and showed me that it's alright to lift the weight off my shoulders every once and a while.

Let's see what the future holds, shall we?

xxx

"Hey you,
I tried calling but it went straight to your voicemail; go figures, right?
At the moment my poker game of a life has been dealing me pretty good hands, and the chips are piled up high beside me. Though, as any good gambler should wonder, how long will the winning streak last for?
At last I seem to have perfected my 'poker face', and the perks of wearing it are evident in the smiles of those around me; you yourself seem pretty content. I wake up in the morning, and place the blanket neatly over my head, in the hopes that sleep will gently wrap its warm arms back around me and envelop me in the perfectness of dreams. Yet every time I do, it reminds me of the fact that life is never as simple as closing your eyes in order to create perfection or to make dreams reality. We all seem to grow this mentality that the perfection of dreams is unobtainable. Only the infite mind of the young seem attracted to the idea of grasping ahold of dreams and somehow bringing them into the realm of reality. They don't know how to comprehend the fact of the 'impossible', and I believe that we should keep believing this childhood mentality we all at some point seemed to have, because maybe then would we all be able to reach what it is we want to achieve yet at the same time feel we can't. And maybe then the idea of filling this void we both seem to have would not seem such a hopeless task.
Do you know how much potential we have? Let's try and fulfil that.
I hope you're doing well. I know we don't see each other as often as we should, but then again- nobody ever does these days. Things get too hectic, and rarely do the the paths of people that need to meet ever cross.

Anyway, I should probably go. It's getting late and I should attempt sleep.
It's been nice talking to you, in an off-hand sort of way.
It's Caitlin by the way. I miss you."

*hangs up the phone*

I feel so completely and utterly...Betrayed? Hurt? Let down?
All along I knew it was happening;
all along I knew they were lying;
and yet the realization of it all, and the fact that they had the nerve to be getting angry at me and making me feel like shit for doing 'it' whilst they were sitting on the other end of the line doing the EXACT thing they were scrutinizing me for, makes me feel as though everything I have been trying so damn hard to not do has been pointless, because they didn't have the guts to follow their own advice and were heartless enough to be going through with it whilst putting me down for doing the exact. Same. Thing.

They admitted it to me (which, in a way, I am glad they did), and right after being told I felt a pain and an anger I had not felt in years. I wanted to be angry at them. I wanted to yell at them; I wanted to make them feel the way I had felt when in their position; I wanted to fight with them until I was so exhausted that I could collapse in an emotionally-drained mess and forget the world.
And yet- I didn't have the courage to.
I'm too damn submissive for my own good, too scared that telling them how I feel will result in an awkwardness I spend every waking minute trying to avoid and too scared of admitting this all to them for fear of never being told anything again.

I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I'm still upset.
Though despite all this, I will sit back and pretend nothing ever happened.
I will sit there, laugh at their jokes, smile at exactly the right moment and hide everything I'm feeling- Just like before.
Because truthfully, I would rather be submissive than ruin what we have.


xxx

"The problem with loyalty is that you can keep going on and on,
living a lie. And you don't even know you're doing it."

Yet another quote I really like.
And it's so very, very true.

----------------------

People confuse me. Emotions confuse me as well. Put the two together and I'm completely lost in a swirl of exhaustive lies, smudged tears, unpredicted smiles and a look in peoples' eyes that tells you they're hidding everything.
I want to be able to be the one to initiate change. I want to be able to bring a smile to those who have forgotten how to; I want to be the arms that wrap around those who want to know what it's like to be held and forget the world; I want to be the kind of person that people wake up and look forward to the day because they know they're going to see me. If I could do that, even for just one person, I'd be able to feel as though I've accomplished something with my life.
Then again, it would be nice to have someone to do that for me.

I can't be too hopeful though, I guess.


xxx

"I am a landmine.

Sometimes I break down so hard you can hear it,
and when I can stand to come near it with means to repair,
the chances of walking out unscathed are slim to none.
I know because I'm one; a victim of second-hand breakdowns
and bad impressions, made under intoxicated conditions with
poorly lit expressions. And I regret not going back, I regret
not missing flights, I regret not asking for more and taking
chances that I can only hope will not be forgotten.
My fingers are crossed.

I-O-U.

Now my telephone's dead and I can't stand to hold out like this,
but I'm constantly checking myself so as not to be a burden.
Anything too heavy eventually gets dropped, no matter the cost.
Let me be light as a feather, but valued enough so as to remain
in a back pocket, until those jeans need washing and I find my
place on a bedside table, to be read aloud on nights when
memories and prying needs return to haunt the foundations of this room.

Pick me up,
Read me every now and then,
I won't disappoint.
*I am* witty and engaging so bless me with attention,
because I'm *dying* for attention *without* any means
of telling *you*."
-Pete Wentz


Yet again, another quote I thought was appropriate for the moment.
Too tired to type my feelings out on here or put them to paper with pen,
but I shall do so once fatigue and endless studying are overcome.


xxx

"When I saw you lying there, blood spilled,
slipping and sliding in that bathtub I knew how I loved you.
I saw you without makeup.
Without your hair perfect.
Without the words you bend to make me see you a certain way. I saw you alone and scared and knew I had to be careful with how I held you. Hope is a fragile thing."
-Pete Wentz

I really like that quote for some reason.
Hope really is something you have to deal
with carefully, because it can either be what
keeps you going, or what breaks you down completely.
You have to find a balance in-between the two extremes
and learn how to cope, otherwise you'll be left stranded
and waiting for someone to come along to pick you back up again.


In other news- everything is fine again.
Last night I felt the most relief I think
I have ever felt, and finding out that nothing
is terribly wrong between me and her seemed to take
away the emptiness that had started to creep back again.
I sent her a modified version of the letter some of you
have read, she called me, we talked, and now things are fine.
I still have a lingering feeling of awkwardness,
but I'm sure that will disappear on Monday.

"Every breath is one less,
but that's what makes everything so treasured"

xxx

Thankyou. So fucking much.
I guess I was too blinded by what I was doing to realise how much I was actually hurting not only myself, but those around me. I suppose I also didn't want to face the fact of what I was doing, hoping that it would just go away over time.
It wasn't fair of me to share the burden of dealing with it upon you and a select few other people. If you knew how bad I feel because of that, you would know that I did not do it on purpose; I was just too damn scared to ask for help; or even just too scared of admiting I have a problem (well, problems). In that way, it's fair to say I'm selfish for trying to make others help with the problem when really I should be helping myself. I honestly hope that I didn't hurt you or anyone else too much with what I have been doing.
I feel so guilty because I finally realise that other people can be affected (in this case) by what I do and I know that deep down sorry just isn't enough, because sorry won't take back any pain, any tears or any worrying. In reality, sorry is just a word; and without any action behind it, it has no true meaning.
Yesterday was the reality check I needed to try and get my life back on track. Please believe me when I say that I will try my damned hardest to stop everything I'm doing. I know it won't be easy and I know it will take a lot of time, so I'm hoping that I have your's and everyone else's support because without it I know that I will just keep stumbling along and continuing along the constant cycle which I have been on for almost two years now with the two main problems in my life.

Over the next few days/weeks I will probably at times seem withdrawn, or will disappear and not tell anyone where I'm going. That's just my way of adjusting/coping, so please don't worry. Deep down though, I would really appreciate not being alone. Loneliness scares me more that most things, and going home every night means having to face the world alone and that is not an easy thing to do. And know that a hug and a smile go a long way, so don't be too afraid of coming up and giving me a hug. I'll appreciate it more that what I'll show.

Basically, what I'm trying to say with all of this is that I'm so fucking sorry for having to put you (and anyone/everyone) else through this. Sorry may not mean much, but if there was any other way I could apologise and thankyou for what you have done, then I would do it.

I love you so damn much.
Please don't be afraid to come to me for help, because I would be more then happy to return the favour.

From the bottom of my heart-
Thankyou.

xxx

"If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see;
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me..."
The End- My Chemical Romance

I can't stand looking in the mirror; it honestly fucking scares me.
Every time I look at my reflection glaring menacingly back at me,
it makes me want to hide, or want to never let anyone see me again; it revolts me.
If anyone ever told me I was beautiful, I would laugh in their face;
because truthfully- I wouldn't believe them.
I wouldn't even believe them if they said a simpler compliment,
like "pretty","cute", "nice looking", anything along those lines,
because I've never percieved myself that way and I don't think I ever will.
I'm so fucking self-conscious. I can't stand my body shape;
I hate the way my teeth jutt out; my skin is crap; my boobs are too small;
and to top it all off I'm so damn paranoid about my weight.

I wish I was prettier. I would give a lot of things to change the way I
look, even if it was only the few things I mentioned before. And I'm so fucking
jealous of all my friends, because they are seriously all amazingly
gorgeous. I feel like the outcast; the ugly duckling in a pond of gorgeous swans.


I wish life was as simple as kindergarten and simply being able
to put on fairy wings and a dress to feel beautiful.

xxx